“Sitting there on the heather, on our planetary grain, I shrank from the abysses that opened up on every side, and in the future. The silent darkness, the featureless unknown, were more dread than all the terrors that imagination had mustered. Peering, the mind could see nothing sure, nothing in all human experience to be grasped as certain, except uncertainty itself; nothing but obscurity gendered by a thick haze of theories. Man's science was a mere mist of numbers; his philosophy but a fog of words. His very perception of this rocky grain and all its wonders was but a shifting and a lying apparition. Even oneself, that seeming-central fact, was a mere phantom, so deceptive, that the most honest of men must question his own honesty, so insubstantial that he must even doubt his very existence.”
― Olaf Stapledon, Star Maker
I saw an old manuscript under my bed earlier. I never finished it. It was about a young man who dreaded going to an event he had to go to the next day, so he just sleeps it off and hoped that everything would be all right in the morning. Each chapter was supposed to be a different segment in his dream reel.
It’s not too far from who I was, or how I was, at that time in my life. I was a loner. I never went anywhere except to the library. I used to always watch Naruto and anime films and conspiracy theory shit on the History Channel. I was perpetually listening to music. I also slept a lot. I think I was lost. I was confused. This was during that transition period between adolescence and adulthood, and I didn’t want to be a part of the latter.
I used to love watching the shadow of leaves on my wall as the sun was setting. I would open my windows, put the fan on full-blast, and just lie on my bed with my hoodie and headphones on until my body became numb. Sometimes thoughts floated around in my head. Sometimes it was completely blank. Lying on that bed, I grasped the concept of zero. Zero feels neutral. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel bad. It’s just—nil. Then I would fall asleep.
From time to time, I do wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up…just dream a beautiful never-ending dream.