I'm no longer moving to Chicago. The job I was going to apply to at the University of Chicago is no longer available, because the project's funding had ended. I also realized that it makes more sense to open my agency in Houston and just cover the entire state of Texas. There are more potential clients simply due to a higher population. In a decade, Houston will probably surpass Chicago as the third largest city (in terms of population) in the United States. I love Chicago and I wanted to try to make it work by moving there, but as with my affair with San Francisco, it's a city best loved from afar and in between long absences.
In order to do everything, I must let go of some things. I need to compress and concentrate all of my projects until they are laser beam-focused.
I had a hyper-vivid dream last night in which I was standing in a field with a few people. It was a cloudy day, but they were stratocumulus clouds instead of altostratus (or what some people refer to as "overcast"). Anyway, the sky became darker and darker within seconds, like some strange weather phenomenon or the opposite version of the dancing sun mystery supposedly experienced in Fatima. It felt evil. The clouds themselves began to swirl and coalesce. I didn't want to say anything at first, so I looked at the facial expressions of the other people with me. They didn't seem bothered or even notice. I asked them if they were seeing the same thing I was witnessing. They said they didn't and asked if I was all right. The best way I can describe the feeling inside my chest--and this is just based on what I've read online and in books--is what supposed alien abductees felt when they were paralyzed and taken. I guess another way to describe it is the feeling of sleep paralysis: dread, naked fear, helplessness, and the realization that you are a small and weak human being compared to powerful forces that are out there in the universe.
I believe this next decade will have many fun challenges and life-changing events. There is nothing I can't do (well, except for brain surgery...also, I can't sing to save my life). Almost anything is possible for as long as I put in the work and learn as much as I can.
A couple of nights ago, I told Daphne that I needed to regress in order to progress. What I meant was that I needed to go back in time to my roots, back to who I was as an 18-year old, in order to move on to the future. I liked the type of person I was at that age. I was a dreamer and a realist at the same time. I was motivated, inspired and headstrong. I was cynical enough to not be fooled by the liars in this world, but I wasn't jaded either. I was still enthralled by the beauty of a sunrise. I was also more focused on my original ambitions, or what I call the Unholy Trinity: photojournalism, writing and filmmaking. Journalism was the career that I loved, writing was my side project, and filmmaking was my secret passion.
Burying the past by creating new memories is exciting to me. It's cyclical. After all, the future becomes the present and then the present becomes the past all within seconds. This is why I'm glad that I kept copies of all my blogs and social media accounts. I need some documentation that I actually did all of these things. Otherwise, all of these memories would have been buried in a mass grave in my mind.